


can't get used to losing you

by thethalia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22228897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thethalia/pseuds/thethalia
Summary: There was no place for him in Arthur Pendragon's life. He knew this since the beginning, but it did not save him from pain.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 94





	can't get used to losing you

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's really short, but I just wanted to write this idea down.
> 
> As always, if you see any mistakes - don't be afraid to point them out. I'll be grateful, since English isn't my first language.

If someone had told him at the very beginning that this is how this story was going to end, he would have laughed out loud and called his interlocutor an idiot.

Instead of laughter, however, he was accompanied by quiet tears streaming down his cheeks as he laid on his bed at night and stared in the dark at the ceiling of his small room. Regarding idiots ...

There was one in his life. In addition, he was a conceited prat, the greatest he had ever met.

Merlin loved him with his whole heart, which was breaking into smaller pieces every day.

**xxx**

The biggest problem was that he couldn't be angry. He wanted to. Oh, how much he would like to be mad at everyone and everything, curse the injustice of the world, throw various objects at the walls and watch with satisfaction as they fall to the floor, damaged and broken.

He couldn't.

Not only because Arthur smiled more often, was gentler and clearly happy with her. In love.

He couldn't be angry because it was _Gwen_. One of his closest friends whom he treated as a sister. The nicest and most amazing person he has ever met.

Every time he saw their loving stares or when he heard conversations full of feelings, an invisible loop tightened around his heart. He often held back tears that would involuntarily accumulate in his eyes. He was telling himself _it's nothing, don't cry_.

He suffered in silence and loneliness, because it was better this way. Because although he wanted to be angry, he couldn't. Because Arthur was happy, and that was the most important thing.

His feelings didn't matter.

**xxx**

As soon as he realized the nature of his feelings, he knew how it would end. After all, there was no place for him in Arthur's life. There was no place for his love.

So he decided to change nothing. Be his friend, confidant, defender. Stand in the shadow while Arthur was beaming in the light. Look from the side as he invited Gwen to stand beside him.

Their love was the whole world; Merlin was a lost voice in nothingness. A tiny flame quickly extinguished by the wind, in no way matching the glare of the stars that Arthur and Gwen were. He was disappearing in their company, unnoticed in the face of their feelings.

He knew it would end this way, because in Arthur's life there was no place for his love. However, this knowledge did not spare him pain.

It didn't save him from drowning.

**xxx**

Time was passing. Everyone in Camelot was going ahead without stopping even for a second, without looking back.

Merlin stood frozen in place.

The weight that crushed his heart gained weight with each day. Every smile was more and more forced, every laugh - less and less honest.

Arthur and Gwen noticed. He saw their worried glances, heard questions if everything was all right.

"Why wouldn't it be?", he answered every time.

Merlin was drowning, getting closer to the bottom with each passing day. He wasn't going to take them with him. After all, this was his role - he protected Arthur from all dangers, and since he fell in love with Gwen, his shield also embraced her.

This time he had to protect them from himself because time was passing and Merlin stood frozen in place.

**xxx**

Arthur Pendragon never belonged to Merlin, just as Merlin never belonged to Arthur Pendragon. Every day, however, he felt as if he was losing him.

There was a tiny spark of hope somewhere deep inside him, too stubborn to give up. She was always silenced quickly. This didn't stop her from returning.

That day even she disappeared forever.

When he held Arthur firmly in his arms in those last moments, when he listened to the hoarse voice of his greatest love uttering his last words, he considered for a moment whether to confess the truth.

He refrained because he knew that in Arthur's death, like in his life, there was no place for his feelings.

Arthur Pendragon left without knowing Merlin's feelings. And although he thought he was losing him every day, Merlin found out how wrong he was when he was watching the boat drift away.

Only then did he really lose him.

Perhaps Arthur never belonged to Merlin, but Merlin belonged to Arthur.

His heart burned with the king.


End file.
